What To Expect

The latest on the adoption front: our Article 5 wait has been delayed one week because of a Chinese national holiday, so we are expecting our wait for Travel Approval (Step 13 below!) to begin on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week! We’ll keep you posted on that.

I am trying to heed the advice of our agency and treasure this next month or so. For, it is a gift. It truly is. Each and every day. Things are about to drastically change in this family of ours, and I want to enjoy every last moment as a family of four. I want to pour into Sydney and Brody until their cups overflow. I want to enjoy date night and six hours of uninterrupted sleep with the hubster. It’s most likely going to be a while before we return to a state of normalcy ‘round these parts. Let me explain.

In earlier posts, I’ve alluded to the fact that we’ll be working on bonding/attachment. Through the training and reading we’ve done, we have learned SO many fascinating things about how God has designed babies! Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a need, communicates that need and then has it met by a consistent caretaker (usually Momma Bear). As Momma repeatedly soothes the child and meets his/her needs, safety and trust are developed. This security forms an emotional foundation for learning, development, growth and future relationships. These children have a foundation for trust and empathy towards others.

Children who come home through adoption have a little different journey. They have already experienced the loss of a biological parent(s), whether through death or other means. They are coming from a very traumatic place. In addition, our Becca will be losing her caretakers from her current orphanage, along with the familiar sights, smells and language of China. Since she is 3, she is going to be keenly aware of all these differences. We are expecting our little one to be quite overwhelmed. She will be taking in so much that is new, as well as learning what a family is and what it means to be a part of one. She may struggle with attachment, security and trust for several months (or more). There is good news, though! Children are able to heal from these emotional wounds. They are able to build attachment, but it takes intentionality and time.

The very best way for us to form a parent/child bond is for Josh and I to be the only ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed Becca for the first several months. As this pattern repeats, she will learn that we are her parents, and she can trust and love us. I know this is not going to be easy – for us or all of you that will want to hold her and love on her as soon as we get home! We have never parented this way, so it’s going to be a challenge for us to have to tell so many folks ‘no’ when they want to hold her. But, research shows that it’s very important to recreate the newborn/parent connection. Once that parent/child bond has been formed, then we’ll be able to take baby steps toward other relationships. We’ve been advised to make life as boring as possible for the first few months – lots of routine, lots of time in our home, and very limited social activities. Please understand that our decisions are based on what we truly believe is best for Becca’s healing and long-term development, backed up by research and advice from adoption mentors. Also, remember this is temporary! Once we’ve reached some attachment milestones, we will be out and about!

We want all of you to know what to expect when we get home, as well as what would be appropriate/beneficial in terms of your interaction with Becca. Our agency has given us some tips for Do’s & Don’ts for family and friends, and we’d like to share them with you below.

DO’S

• PRAY!! Pray for Becca’s transition, as well as the rest of our family. Pray for a deep attachment. Pray that we will not lose our sanity, as we cocoon! I am an on-the-go sort of mom. I start to go bonkers after two straight days in the house, so this is going to be a BIG challenge for me.
• Encouragement: Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to give an adoptive family space. You can still express care through cards, a meal, emails, etc. We just won’t be throwing any parties for a while (at least after the airport party)!
• Direct Becca to us. For example, “let’s ask your mom if that’s OK” or “I bet your daddy would like that; why don’t you show him?”
• Care for Sydney and Brody. This is going to be tough for them. They will also be transitioning and will need attention and encouragement. Make them feel special and important.
• Read and educate yourself about attachment parenting and share this with others. Heck, even with us! We’re still learning!

DON’TS

• Physical interaction with Becca: Children coming from orphanage settings can be prone to attach too easily with anyone and everyone. This hinders the important child/parent bond from developing. For a while, Josh and I need to be the only ones holding her. We ask that you do not try to take her from us or excessively give hugs and kisses. You may give her quick hugs and kisses, while she remains in our arms. Waving, blowing kisses, high fives are totally appropriate and welcomed! We want Becca to know you are trusted family and friends.
• Meeting her needs: Children from orphanages can become overly charming toward adults as a survival mechanism. We want to avoid this indiscriminate attachment/affection, as it would really set back our family bonding and can have far-reaching affects as she grows older. If Becca needs food, a drink, affection, or comfort, please allow Josh and I to meet those needs. This is necessary for her to begin understanding that we are her parents.
• Gifts: If you want to give a gift to Becca, please ask us first. We’ve been advised to give her all gifts from our hands for the first few months home.
• Comparisons: Please do not compare to biological parenting. Attachment parenting is, in many ways, opposite of traditional parenting. Please trust and respect our choices.
• Assumptions: Don’t assume Becca is “relieved,” “grateful” or “excited” that she’s been adopted. This is a life-altering difficult transition for many of these children.

Our family, friends and community have been such a blessing to us throughout this entire process. We have felt so supported and prayed over. We in NO way want our distance/boundaries to be taken personally or be surprising to any of you. That’s why I wanted to write this blog post. I hope it is helpful to you! Let me know if you have any questions!