Attachment & Bonding

When we were preparing to bring Becca home five years ago, I wrote a blog post entitled "What to Expect" in which I laid out expectations for our "cocooning" period with Becca. I wanted to write about this again before we bring Crosby home, because now more than ever we understand the importance of this in a child's transition to their forever home.

Secure attachment is absolutely foundational to children in all areas of their development - learning, social, emotional, physical growth, etc. When a baby is raised in a traditional setting with the same loving caregiver meeting his needs thousands of times a day, he develops a foundation of trust and secure attachment to his caregiver. It takes time and lots of repetition for children joining a family through adoption to attach and bond to their new family members and vice versa. I've already written a little bit about how Crosby will also likely go through a grieving period. It may be while we are in China, or it may be once we get home. Every child is different and depending on personality and the amount of trauma a child has experienced, it can take months or years for a child to experience emotional healing, learn what it means to be part of a family and attach to his forever family. We want to make sure our friends and family understand this process, because it takes lots of intentional time.

We know how excited you all are to meet him, and we promise we won't be hermits forever. However, just as we did with Becca, we plan to make life as boring and repetitive as possible for Crosby's first several months home and significantly limit our social interactions. The very best way that Josh and I can work on bonding and attachment is for the two of us to be the only ones to hold him and meet his needs (feeding, soothing, cuddling, diapering, instructing, etc.). So, expect to see us wearing him in a carrier or holding him a lot, because we need to be the only ones to hold him until he securely attaches to us. There's a very real thing called indiscriminate attachment, and we've seen signs of it firsthand. It might seem cute to someone on the outside..."Oh look, he's just so friendly. He'll go to anybody! What a loving little boy." However, it's actually not a good sign for building attachment to his new parents. This child might be learning to flash a cute smile and get what he wants from whoever is close by and has what he wants. We want to do whatever we can to prevent or correct this kind of behavior. I know this won't be easy for everyone who has been praying and looking forward to his arrival (including his big sisters and brother), but we absolutely KNOW this is what he needs. So, here are some guidelines (some Do's & Don'ts) for what we are asking of our friends and family, in terms of interaction around Crosby, particularly during his first several months home:

Do's:

• Pray for our transition time and a deep, loving attachment to be formed.
• Always direct Crosby to one of us if he approaches you. ("Let's ask your Mom if that's OK?" or "I bet your Dad would really like to see that. Why don't we go show him?")
• Pay special attention to our other children. We have tried our best to prepare Sydney, Brody and Becca for the transition, but it is still going to be a challenge for them. They know Crosby is going to require a lot of attention at first, but that doesn't mean they won't feel sad or left out some of the time. We're going to work hard to spend one-on-one time with them, but it will mean a lot to have others "filling their buckets" as well. When Becca first came home, everywhere we went people would ooh and aah over her. Meanwhile, our older two stood by barely being acknowledged, especially by strangers in places like the grocery store. They never complained, but I could see the hurt in their eyes. 
• Encouragement - we need to limit the amount of interaction Crosby has with new people, but that doesn't mean we want to disappear completely ourselves. If you have time to send us a text, email or card with some encouraging Scripture, that can make all the difference on a hard day. 
• Educate yourself and others on attachment and bonding and orphan care in general. There are so many ways that God can use you to care for children from hard places. Maybe you can't adopt yourself, but that doesn't mean you can't advocate for these amazing children and encourage other families that do. If you want to learn more about connecting and attaching with children from hard places, I would definitely recommend reading The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. It was required reading for our first home study, but I've read it several times since then just to refresh my brain! Dr. Purvis was such a wonderful gift to the adoption and foster care community, and the work and resources which she has left behind are invaluable. 
• Welcome us home. I've had a few people ask about coming to the airport, and you are absolutely welcome to come and celebrate his homecoming with us. Let me know if you'd like to, and I will get our flight information to you. Just understand that we will have flown halfway around the world with a two year old, been through customs in Atlanta and will probably be exhausted! We will still be absolutely thrilled to see you if you want to be there...and then after that, we'll be all huddled up at home for a while.

Don'ts:

• Overdo physical interaction with Crosby. As I said before, Josh and I need to be the only ones holding him for a while. Please do not try to take him from our arms or pick him up. Also, please don't give excessive hugs and affection to him. Instead, wave, give high fives and blow kisses. These are appropriate and welcomed behaviors.
• Meet his needs. If you think he needs food, a drink, comfort or affection, please direct him to us only. Charming behavior and indiscriminate attachment can really set us back in our attachment and bonding, and it can have far-reaching negative consequences for children. 
• Give him gifts or treats directly.  If you want to give him a gift or a treat, please give it to us instead. We aren't trying to take credit for your generosity, but it's really important that any gifts are given from our hands for the first few months. 
• Make assumptions. Please don't assume that Crosby is going to initially feel relieved or grateful to become part of our family. This is a life-altering difficult transition for most kids. Also, understand that some of our parenting may look odd or like we are treating him like an infant, but it is purposeful. We are trying to give him those infant-parent experiences that he missed out on, which are so important for bonding. 
• Speak without a filter around him. Any foster or adoptive parent you talk to probably has lots of stories about the crazy, inappropriate things people have asked or said in front of their children. I promise, we are not easily offended, and we see it as part of our job to educate people about adoption. We welcome questions. However, be mindful of what you say in front of our children and how your questions/comments might be received by their little ears and hearts. 

We do not want these boundaries or the distance we keep for a while to come as a surprise to the people we love, so we hope this blog serves to help you understand the attachment process a little bit. We are so thankful for our wonderful, supportive community of friends and family! We hope you understand the reason for these boundaries. Please don't hesitate to ask us if you have any questions at all! Now, for some more cuteness...

With hope and love,

k.

"Now in all these things, we are conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:37-39 ESV

T Minus 13 days!

Our Travel Approval came on Tuesday morning this week, so we've been scrambling to book flights and make arrangements this week. Our "gotcha day" has been scheduled for November 5th, so that is the day we will finally be holding (or chasing) our sweet boy! Josh, Sydney and I will be getting on a plane headed for Beijing in just 13 days! (We just have a zillion things to do before then, but no big deal.) The timing is just SO perfect; it's almost like Someone orchestrated it all. 🤔🤔🤔 When we get back home, Brody and Becca will have a week off for Thanksgiving break, which means no morning rush and lots of time for us all to get to know one another. Thank you, Jesus!

We're so grateful that everyone is already celebrating with us! I can't imagine having a more supportive and welcoming community of family and friends. We have felt your prayers, been humbled by your generous gifts and been encouraged by your kind words throughout this whole process. As we get ready to travel, I've had so many people ask me if we need anything. What we truly want and need most is for our trip and Crosby's adjustment to be covered in prayer, because we serve a sovereign and good God who brings beauty from ashes and turns our mourning into dancing. Having been through this process before, we know some of what lies ahead. Adoption is beautiful, but it is born out of tragedy because we live in a broken, hurting world. Things are not as they should be, but praise God for His redeeming work. 

Just imagine your almost 2 1/2 year old child being taken from all he knows and being given to people who don't look like him and don't speak his language. It is a terrifying experience for these precious children...to start anew, to fly on big, loud machines in the sky, to eat new foods and not know what's happening. [Just ask me about our flight home with Becca 5 years ago. It still gives me nightmares. Longest day of my life.] Crosby will grieve what he is losing, as he should. He doesn't know what the future holds. He doesn't know this is what's best for him...yet. That takes time...it will take months of cocooning and bonding...for him to feel safe and secure and loved. And, I believe there is a lesson here for us. It reminds me of our own reaction when we find ourselves in less than desirable circumstances, when things are totally beyond our control. I've been there...my life has been turned upside down more than once, and I'm guessing yours has too. What is our raw and honest response in those moments? To throw a big, fat tantrum. Just me? That used to be my M-O. Why? because I couldn't see past the end of my nose. I don't have the foreknowledge that our great God has. I didn't know that what was happening was best for me. Sometimes I still don't understand God's plan. But, after being in relationship with Him for over three decades now, I can finally have peace in the middle of stormy circumstances and rest in His sovereignty because I know Him. I know He is faithful; He has proven it time and time again to me. His ways and His plan are always best, even when things don't make sense in the now. That doesn't stop it from being hard, and that doesn't stop the pain...but He is with us in the hurting. And, honestly, that's all we may be able to do for Crosby during his adjustment. To be with him. To hold him or let him throw his big, fat tantrum and then scoop him up and tell him we love him no matter what. God does this for us, His children, so we do it for ours. We love because He first loved us, and He taught us how.

I have been reading through and meditating on the book of Colossians this month, and it is so rich and overflowing with the things I would ask you to pray on our behalf. Paul and Timothy penned Colossians while Paul was in prison, around A.D. 62. He was writing to the church at Colossae, a fairly young church plant of 7-10 years old. They were facing some deceptive teaching, and Paul longs to shepherd and guide this young body to a more mature faith. I find it so interesting and inspiring that even while imprisoned, Paul's prayers are always full of thanksgiving and are overwhelmingly spoken on behalf of others. It also convicts me, because my prayers usually sound nothing like his. We pray for safety and hope for ease. But not Paul. He understands that God cares more about our character than our comfort. Instead, he prays for and challenges the church to seek deeper things. So, if you would honor us with your prayers, let's follow Paul's example. Yes, we would love to have a smooth, safe trip to China and back home, and I don't think anything is wrong with such a prayer. But, more than that, we want more of God. We want to be changed to be more like Him. So, if you feel compelled to pray for our family over the next few months, I invite you to pray through Colossians with me.

• that we would be filled with the knowledge of God's will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, and that we would walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God  (Col. 1:9-10)
• that we would be strengthened according to His glorious might, having endurance and patience with joy (Col. 1:11)
• that we would have humble and thankful hearts, knowing it is God who has created us and qualified us to share in His inheritance (Col 1:12-18)
• that our hope would rest in Him and His salvation, which brings forgiveness, peace and reconciliation with God (Col. 1:19-20)
• that we would continue steadfastly in our faith (Col. 1:21-23)
• that we would rejoice in our sufferings (Col. 1:24)
• that our hearts would be encouraged, being knit together in love (Col. 2:2)
• that we would walk with Christ, being rooted and built up in Him, abounding in thanksgiving (Col 2:6-7)
• that we would set our minds on and seek things of eternal significance (Col 3:1-2)
• that God would give us His love to put on, which binds everything together in perfect harmony (Col 3:14)
• that Christ's peace would rule in our hearts (Col 3:15)
• that all we do and say would be done in His name, with thankfulness (Col 3:17)
• that we would work heartily for the Lord and not men, knowing it is Him we serve (Col 3:23-24)
• that we would walk in wisdom, making the best use of our time (Col 4:8)
• that our speech would always be gracious, so we know how to answer each person (Col 4:6)
• that we would fulfill this wonderful ministry we have received from the Lord (Col. 4:17)

In Christ our all in all,

k.

 "Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving." 

Colossians 4:2 ESV

We received some adorable new pictures with our final update!!! 

I can't stand the cuteness!!!