Attachment & Bonding

When we were preparing to bring Becca home five years ago, I wrote a blog post entitled "What to Expect" in which I laid out expectations for our "cocooning" period with Becca. I wanted to write about this again before we bring Crosby home, because now more than ever we understand the importance of this in a child's transition to their forever home.

Secure attachment is absolutely foundational to children in all areas of their development - learning, social, emotional, physical growth, etc. When a baby is raised in a traditional setting with the same loving caregiver meeting his needs thousands of times a day, he develops a foundation of trust and secure attachment to his caregiver. It takes time and lots of repetition for children joining a family through adoption to attach and bond to their new family members and vice versa. I've already written a little bit about how Crosby will also likely go through a grieving period. It may be while we are in China, or it may be once we get home. Every child is different and depending on personality and the amount of trauma a child has experienced, it can take months or years for a child to experience emotional healing, learn what it means to be part of a family and attach to his forever family. We want to make sure our friends and family understand this process, because it takes lots of intentional time.

We know how excited you all are to meet him, and we promise we won't be hermits forever. However, just as we did with Becca, we plan to make life as boring and repetitive as possible for Crosby's first several months home and significantly limit our social interactions. The very best way that Josh and I can work on bonding and attachment is for the two of us to be the only ones to hold him and meet his needs (feeding, soothing, cuddling, diapering, instructing, etc.). So, expect to see us wearing him in a carrier or holding him a lot, because we need to be the only ones to hold him until he securely attaches to us. There's a very real thing called indiscriminate attachment, and we've seen signs of it firsthand. It might seem cute to someone on the outside..."Oh look, he's just so friendly. He'll go to anybody! What a loving little boy." However, it's actually not a good sign for building attachment to his new parents. This child might be learning to flash a cute smile and get what he wants from whoever is close by and has what he wants. We want to do whatever we can to prevent or correct this kind of behavior. I know this won't be easy for everyone who has been praying and looking forward to his arrival (including his big sisters and brother), but we absolutely KNOW this is what he needs. So, here are some guidelines (some Do's & Don'ts) for what we are asking of our friends and family, in terms of interaction around Crosby, particularly during his first several months home:

Do's:

• Pray for our transition time and a deep, loving attachment to be formed.
• Always direct Crosby to one of us if he approaches you. ("Let's ask your Mom if that's OK?" or "I bet your Dad would really like to see that. Why don't we go show him?")
• Pay special attention to our other children. We have tried our best to prepare Sydney, Brody and Becca for the transition, but it is still going to be a challenge for them. They know Crosby is going to require a lot of attention at first, but that doesn't mean they won't feel sad or left out some of the time. We're going to work hard to spend one-on-one time with them, but it will mean a lot to have others "filling their buckets" as well. When Becca first came home, everywhere we went people would ooh and aah over her. Meanwhile, our older two stood by barely being acknowledged, especially by strangers in places like the grocery store. They never complained, but I could see the hurt in their eyes. 
• Encouragement - we need to limit the amount of interaction Crosby has with new people, but that doesn't mean we want to disappear completely ourselves. If you have time to send us a text, email or card with some encouraging Scripture, that can make all the difference on a hard day. 
• Educate yourself and others on attachment and bonding and orphan care in general. There are so many ways that God can use you to care for children from hard places. Maybe you can't adopt yourself, but that doesn't mean you can't advocate for these amazing children and encourage other families that do. If you want to learn more about connecting and attaching with children from hard places, I would definitely recommend reading The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. It was required reading for our first home study, but I've read it several times since then just to refresh my brain! Dr. Purvis was such a wonderful gift to the adoption and foster care community, and the work and resources which she has left behind are invaluable. 
• Welcome us home. I've had a few people ask about coming to the airport, and you are absolutely welcome to come and celebrate his homecoming with us. Let me know if you'd like to, and I will get our flight information to you. Just understand that we will have flown halfway around the world with a two year old, been through customs in Atlanta and will probably be exhausted! We will still be absolutely thrilled to see you if you want to be there...and then after that, we'll be all huddled up at home for a while.

Don'ts:

• Overdo physical interaction with Crosby. As I said before, Josh and I need to be the only ones holding him for a while. Please do not try to take him from our arms or pick him up. Also, please don't give excessive hugs and affection to him. Instead, wave, give high fives and blow kisses. These are appropriate and welcomed behaviors.
• Meet his needs. If you think he needs food, a drink, comfort or affection, please direct him to us only. Charming behavior and indiscriminate attachment can really set us back in our attachment and bonding, and it can have far-reaching negative consequences for children. 
• Give him gifts or treats directly.  If you want to give him a gift or a treat, please give it to us instead. We aren't trying to take credit for your generosity, but it's really important that any gifts are given from our hands for the first few months. 
• Make assumptions. Please don't assume that Crosby is going to initially feel relieved or grateful to become part of our family. This is a life-altering difficult transition for most kids. Also, understand that some of our parenting may look odd or like we are treating him like an infant, but it is purposeful. We are trying to give him those infant-parent experiences that he missed out on, which are so important for bonding. 
• Speak without a filter around him. Any foster or adoptive parent you talk to probably has lots of stories about the crazy, inappropriate things people have asked or said in front of their children. I promise, we are not easily offended, and we see it as part of our job to educate people about adoption. We welcome questions. However, be mindful of what you say in front of our children and how your questions/comments might be received by their little ears and hearts. 

We do not want these boundaries or the distance we keep for a while to come as a surprise to the people we love, so we hope this blog serves to help you understand the attachment process a little bit. We are so thankful for our wonderful, supportive community of friends and family! We hope you understand the reason for these boundaries. Please don't hesitate to ask us if you have any questions at all! Now, for some more cuteness...

With hope and love,

k.

"Now in all these things, we are conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:37-39 ESV